The Noctivigant Nurse


The next year, Chad, Teddy and Meredith were crammed together in a roaring auditorium. Other nurses filled an entire sector of the stadium. Every All eyes were riveted upon an empty stage. An M.C. emerged from behind the velvet curtain.

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to this year’s Elite Muscle Diva Beauty Extravaganza: the pageant that kicks Miss World’s ass! These powerful ladies have trained for years to be be at this passionate pageant. They’re competing for a ten million dollar prize, furnished by our sponsor Bufftastic Sports… Without further delay: BRRRING ON THE DIIIVAAAAAAZZZ!"

The prolocutor dissappeared and generic rock music played in the background. A two hundred pound wisp of a woman daintly flexed and pranced as an announcer described her platform.

Teddy shouted against the clamor of the crowd and the music. "Dad! When are we gonna see Tia?"

"In a while, son."

"I really wanna see her!"

"Yeah, me too." Chad patted his pants pocket nervously. The angulature of something heavy bulged from within.

After what seemed like hours, "The Announcer promulgated those anticipated words. The next competitor, a massive woman with a massive heart: Tia Juno. According to the Guiness committee, she is the largest woman in the world at one hundred inches tall, and eight hundred ninety three point nine pounds." Tia strode into the spotlight, blew a kiss to her man, and stomped down the catwalk with oversized platform shoes. The catwalk creaked under her ponderous tread, but it withstood her bulk because the shoes distruted her weight just enough.

"Dad? How did Tia get so big in a year?"

Chad paused. "She has a hormonal anomaly and some… special training."

"Can I get that training too?"

"I doubt it…" Chad mustered his willpower to avoid laughter.

Meanwhile, Tia grinned and flexed while she performerd her poses, body fat hovering above zero. When she left, the audience erupted into applause so vehement that the pageant was delayed for fifteen minutes.

"Father, was that really your girlfriend?" Meredith asked.

"Give your old man some credit…" She nudged his duaghter’s side.

"No, really, what about you would interest a musclehead like that?"

Chad’s eyes flashed at the epithet, "That musclehead is at least as intelligent as Albert Einstein, Noam Chomsky and Johannes Goethe combined, and I do a lot for her. Who do you think assembled those shoes?"


"Well, they supplied the materials…"

The event dragged on. The crowd was enthralled by Tia’s exploits in the talent phase, although Chad wondered how she became so proficient in blindfold tightrope walking during flambeau juggling.

By the nightwear competition only twelve contestants remained. Tia emerged in a set of improvised pajamas that used to be a parachute. Still, her bare midriff elicited roars of joy from the crowd.

"A parachute? What was she thinking?"

"It was all we had money for…"

Last of All: the question! Tia stood at her full height before the microphone, staring undaunted at the announcer.

"Miss Muscle Diva has been a role model for girls for years. If you are crowned, what message do you think is most important for growing girls to internalize?"

She spoke immediately. "Every woman must know, that to succeed in life, you must be strong. This strength is not necessarily physical in nature, but you know the situations which require strength when you encounter them. Above all, strength is a prerequisite for love. And for every opportunist who exploits you, and for every one who harms you maliciously or intentionally: there is enough love out there to justify confronting these risks." Tia closed her mouth decisively. Gazed into Chad’s tear laden eyes in the front row, and took her place among the finalists.

A tangible silence prevailed as the ultimatum was removed from the envelope. "The third place winner is… Gisele Kraft!" A comparatively willowy woman stretched her ethereally long, chiseled limbs and posed herself on the pedestal with a lofty, aloof dignity.

"Second place is Jenni Gaines!" An ebullient blonde with a bulging six pack smiled her way across the stage and pounced on her spot next to Gisele.

A drum roll preceded the final announcement. Tia and the final contestant, a seven hundred ninety two pound Hispanic girl who stood at seven feet eight inches hugged each other in anticpation. "The winner of this year’s Elite Muscle Diva Beauty Extravaganza……… Tia!"

The thick bodied nurse hugged the cute teenager and began to move forward.


The brown eyed Latina kissed the blue eyed one on the cheek, and claimed the trophy victoriously.

Tia smiled beautifully at the winners, forgetting her solitude in the corner.

"And that concludes this quinquiniad’s glorious muscle extravaganza"

The crowd began to dissipate, but the announcer continued. "Before the winners of this pageant were being determined, the committe deliberated upon another decision. Every other year we select a woman who has made profound, decisive contributions to humanity, and who epitomizes strength and fitness. And this decade it is none other than a woman who erected a flood levy single handedly within ten minutes, tends to the ill nearly every day of the week, has faced life threatening situtations several times as a volunteer firefighter, and once saved a man’s life by lifting a car above her head. The woman who has stolen our hearts whether wearing a silken slip or a discarded parachute-Thank you Tia Juno!"

A barrage of confetti descended, and a some of the contestants carried a customized Cadillac onto the stage. It had a high roof and enough leg room for a giantess to be comfortable. The honoree teared and accepted a fifteen million check and her crown- a masterwork of diamonds and sapphires that resembled the greater sapphires of her eyes. When handed a microphone, Tia smiled serenely at the crowd and collected her words. She said, "I won’t say much now. I’ve already said my part. I love mankind, and I believe that we can improve this world.

But there’s a man I especially love, and I dedicate this victory to him. Hey Chad, Chad Butler, get down here, I have been wanting to talk to you all day!"

"Dad, that’s you!!!" Teddy shrieked.

"She absolutely adores you." Meredith uttered, not without a trace of wonder.

It baffles me too, sometimes, dear. Chad patted his offspring on the head and bolted for the stairs.

Chad hurried down the stairs and onto the stage. He stared upward, enthralled by his dearest friend’s prescence. Tia bent over, picked him up with a single hand, and let him sit on one of her pectoral muscles, which by themselves would rip a triple Z bra apart. The man remembering the first time they made love, placed his hands around her neck for both balance and affection. They kissed each other for an entire minute onstage while the crowd applauded.

The excitement caused Chad to tingle, and the lead plated box with an oak veneer slid out of his pocket. Tia stooped down and picked it up. The covering had her initials on it. "Is this for me, you little sweetie?"

"Check the contents."

"I will, but I have to speak first. You’ve been a wonderful friend, and a better boyfriend than I’ve ever dreamed; the most trusting compassionate man whom I have ever beheld.

I will always love you…" She held Chad’s hand.

"So you want to marry me then?" Chad gestured at the box in Tia’s hand. She opened it and produced a large princess cut engagement ring.

"Zoom in on this!" She thrust her ringed finger before the cameraman. She turned to Chad, and spoke in an intimate whisper. "As for your question, I have only one response.


forces on Earth

could separate me from you."

Their eyes locked silently for five minutes. The MC finally interceded. "What’s the verdict."

"We’re getting married." Chad hissed indignantly from Tia’s chest.

The crowd gave the obligatory "awwwwww, as Teddy ran up and hugged her. Meredith shook Tia’s hand, somewhat diffidently. Tia turned her back to the camera and easily lifted the SUV with a single arm.

"Good Night Everybody! I have something extremely important to do…" She concluded, and trudged to the parking lot with Teddy and Meredith in tow. The crowd watched her until she went to the parking lot, and carefully lowered the cadillac to the floor. She got into the vehicle, and started the engine. The crowd cheered one final time as Tia drove her soon to be husband and stepchildren into the horizon.