[Fonk]

To be honest, I'm not sure these stories are playing all that well with denizens of this site. First, they are told from the guy's point of view. Second, I made a massive FBB a villian in the second part, then let the guy kill her.
From other stories I've read on here, those 2 things alone could be label me as a "heretic" amongst its denizens..  ;D

I have another story arc I'm mulling over, it might be more to the liking of the site's general audience.

Thanks for reading what I've posted so far.

Sir, it is my opinion that you produce exceptionally well-crafted stories involving people of immense strength. This (again to my mind) ensures that you fit in here.

I love what you do; please, do not stop doing it. Your idea has such incredible potential, I'm excited just thinking about it.

[ratlaf]

To be honest, I didn't get into this story at first, but with Fonks and others comments I made it through the begining to where the plot began to pick up and found an amazing story! 

Your heroine is more than muscular and strong enough for this board, and my own tastes, and the fact that the steroid monster was killed dosen't matter, she deserved it and if she weren't as big as she was, she wouldn't've been a threat.  It should never be easy for the main character.

I'm going to go back and read the other story you posted, making sure to get through the begining to the plot, and will be looking forward to more of your work.

Thanks! 

[Robert McNay]

Who is the "homeless couple"? Who killed them, why – has it to do with the vampires or the hunters? Has it to do with the restaurant? Were the part of the menu?  ???  It's like reading Sherlock Holmes finding a corpse and then in the entire book it doesn't get resolved what it's all about.

The other thing was with the last whisper of the steroid monster. "Cassandra" Was it a warning, a hint or her name?

You understand my dilemma? I thought you are building up suspense for the next chapters where these riddles will be explained and resolved. Heck I think it would even interest Craig what or who "Cassandra" is, when his dying victim whispers it in his ear.

Anyway, this story has lots of potential and I hope to read more of it.
Thanks.

Arrrggghhhhh! I guess proofing my own copy 6 times is not enough, I still missed something. I accidentally deleted one line too many from the Freak's gloating to Craig. It should have read……

“Enjoy your last look at that piece of pretty little bat ass of yours. I’m going to snap you in half, and then I’m going to go over there and tear her limb from limb, like I did those old derelicts on the street. If I’m lucky, you might stay conscious long enough to see me do it.”

The name "Cassandra" will be a major point in the next piece.

As for Craig not telling her, you did notice a whole lot of excitement and some pretty heavy emotions came down between them before he could? Things like an unfamiliar name tend to get forgotten when you are telling someone that you love them and trust them with your life.  ;D

I promise, I won't leave it hanging here, there will be more. I just ask that folks be patient and allow me to R&R from these first. The next 2 promise to be just as intense as the first 2.

[reaper0002000]

I know exactly what you mean about proofing — there's always a little tweak to be made, and alas, it's not possible on this board anymore.

Just wanted to add my voice to the chorus: nicely done!
Looking forward to more,
Reap

[ratlaf]

I know exactly what you mean about proofing — there's always a little tweak to be made

I generally complete a story days before I post it in order to give it some time to age and mature in my own head, and obviously to re-read it with a fresh eye and try to catch all those little tweaks.  Even before I hit the post button I re-read it and still I find tweaks. 

The best thing to do is to have someone else read it before you post it but not many of us have someone in our daily lives who'd be willing to do this and still remain our friends.  With time you'll learn to self edit and catch the majority of those tweaks. 

Maybe, CptMatt, this next time try letting the story simmer a bit in your brain after you're done writing the first draft…

[KeithXZ]

A really excellent story Capt Matt.  I am looking forward to reading more from you.

It is always great to see a new angle being used.

Your stories are very polished.  I think the only way to have anything more perfection would be to have multiple proof-readers before the text is finalized.

For writers in general, I wish there was a way for the forum to let them to go back, re-edit, and fix their spelling mistakes, say for a week or two after the episode is posted. 

I remember reading one story by one author where his characters often had "stake" dinners, but it was a mis-spelling and he meant "steak".  And then there are the authors who write "cloths" when they mean "clothes".  Of course these are mistakes spell-checkers don't pick-up.  I never bother to point these errors out because the authors don't have a way to correct them anyway.  They are little annoyances, and if the writer has good plots or good character development, and the story is generally enjoyable, I want to encourage him or her to write more.

In your case, Capt Matt, your standards are very high.  Bringing in vampires in this role, the plot, the grammar, the spelling.  Excellent.

The only thing you could add would be to give us a look inside the characters heads at what they are thinking.  That the steroid enhanced vampire killer had killed the homeless couple would have made readers happy to see her killed.  But a look inside her head at what she was thinking when she enjoyed killing these helpless people would have been even more powerful.

Of course going into that detail could turn your short story into a lengthy novel and make it too slow moving.  So there are pros and cons, and maybe it is better to have left it out.

I really enjoyed your story.  If you can see the "hit counts", I think the hit counts are the best indicator of how much your work is appreciated.

[Robert McNay]

A really excellent story Capt Matt.  I am looking forward to reading more from you.

It is always great to see a new angle being used.

Your stories are very polished.  I think the only way to have anything more perfection would be to have multiple proof-readers before the text is finalized.

For writers in general, I wish there was a way for the forum to let them to go back, re-edit, and fix their spelling mistakes, say for a week or two after the episode is posted. 

I remember reading one story by one author where his characters often had "stake" dinners, but it was a mis-spelling and he meant "steak".  And then there are the authors who write "cloths" when they mean "clothes".   Of course these are mistakes spell-checkers don't pick-up.  I never bother to point these errors out because the authors don't have a way to correct them anyway.  They are little annoyances, and if the writer has good plots or good character development, and the story is generally enjoyable, I want to encourage him or her to write more.

In your case, Capt Matt, your standards are very high.  Bringing in vampires in this role, the plot, the grammar, the spelling.  Excellent.

The only thing you could add would be to give us a look inside the characters heads at what they are thinking.  That the steroid enhanced vampire killer had killed the homeless couple would have made readers happy to see her killed.  But a look inside her head at what she was thinking when she enjoyed killing these helpless people would have been even more powerful.

Of course going into that detail could turn your short story into a lengthy novel and make it too slow moving.  So there are pros and cons, and maybe it is better to have left it out.

I really enjoyed your story.  If you can see the "hit counts", I think the hit counts are the best indicator of how much your work is appreciated.

Thank you very much. I've always been a fan of fiction of any sort that at least keeps a toe in the reality pool, even if its only how the characters act and react. So I tend to write my characters as I feel a real person of similar experience and demeanor would. I rarely write someone that is impervious to emotions, unless they are the antagonist. Then, more than likely, they are some sort of sociopath, and thus you still have a realistic persona.

The "He thought…", "She thought…" would be nice to delve into, but like you said, it could turn these posts into novels. So I try to convey what they are thinking by their actions or reactions. That way, you get some insight into them, plus it moves the narrative along.

For example, the thing you mentioned, the Freak killing the homeless couple. The way I described how they found their original path to the car blocked by the murder and the alternate path impassible, leaving only the alley, I had hoped to convey (if I hadn't stupidly left the line out) that the Steroid Monster had killed the homeless innocents purely to box Craig and Lillyia into their trap. And there you also have the sociopath angle for the Freak laid out.

Like I said at the top, its all about the reality. You stray too far from it, you lose a reader connection with your characters, be they good or bad. And, at least in my opinion, you gotta connect with the character and hopefully like them, to make the story enjoyable.

[Icon]

This is one of the most original stories i've read all year !!
Very well written too.
I'm hoping for a lenghty series.
Please continue….

[Robert McNay]

This is one of the most original stories i've read all year !!
Very well written too.
I'm hoping for a lenghty series.
Please continue….

Thanks. A third story with these 2 characters will be coming soon.

[Samurai]

Fantastic work. Love the first two, can't wait till the third!

[Author]

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