[nelek]

Hi there everybody!

I had this idea for a story (actually, several installments of a series) in my head for quite some time now, and I've finally written it. Well, not everything: I wrote the last part of the first installment. At least that's something.
It's about the "me" (Jake, but that's not adressed so far 5'8" or so) being attracted to Sally, the huge 6'9" bodybuilder.

The story begins with the "me" being in my garden with Sally. At first she asks him to put sunscreen on her back, which he's very willing to do. He watches her put some on herself, go swimming and then joins her in the pool. There she teases him (not sexually, she doesn't know that about him) about being stronger and taller. Later she leaves the pool and goes back to sunbathing, while the guy stays in the pool, massively sexually charged. That's were what I've written picks up.

I still have a couple of problems, maybe you could help me out:

1) I wrote that in one evening and I was very proud that I've produced so much just off the top of my head. The next morning I read it again and was surprised how quickly I read through it. So, I'd be glad for some pointers about how to make it longer (or if parts of it is too long, where to make it shorter).

2) English is a second language to me. So, please, do inform me whenever I made mistakes. Like using "to" instead of "for" or whatnot.

3) The "me" is the brother, she is his sister. Yes, it's incest. Yes, I know, Yuck.
But there is nothing graphic in this story, so don't worry. It's even only mentioned twice; and one time you can ignore it and the other time you can interpret it differently.
If you're offended by incest, imagine them as two good friends, who've known each other for years, which gives you a similar, albeit much weaker sense of "forbidden!". I even planned to create two versions of the finished product: with the help of some copy-and-paste-ing I wanted to additionally create a non-incest version.

I've imagined them to be 17 and 18 respectively, with her being the older one (yes, a story in which the sister is bigger and stronger, but not younger). 

4) While we're on the subject of helping me: please tell me how to format a text so it shows in a .txt file like it does on DTM. For this, I manually edited every single line, which would be quite irritating for a longer text.

So, here it is:
http://www.file-upload.net/download-1723926/sally01-pool.txt.html
(The download-button is in the middle, with the green arrow)

So, thank you all very much in advance for reading it and for helping me out. Big thank you to you!

nelek

[10-4]

on #4 the easiest thing to do would be to post it here. The board offers you better formatting options, and a far less annoying download.

I only quickly skimmed the story. I could offer some story witting advice, but you wouldn't like what I have to say. In short you have a vignette. A story would involve a lot more, and would be many orders of magnitude harder to pull off then a quick evening of work. The first 3 areas are more a distraction from what really needs to be done. A fundamental look at the core character goals, overt and psychological, combined with a well executed Motivation and Reaction units would do wonders for this, and transform it from a mere short fantasy scene into something that takes on real story proportions.

For what it's worth, the witting was better then most amateur fiction I've come across. If you really want to write fiction, and I mean really good fiction, and are willing to work hard at it, I recommend the book, "Techniques of the Selling Writer" http://www.amazon.com/Techniques-Selling-Writer-Dwight-Swain/dp/0806111917 This will explain far more than I could ever hope to impart in a short reply to your post.

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