[Mimi]

Below is a sample of a story I am currently writing, and would like to ask for some feedback…  primarily, I'd like to see if my wording of my FBB character is sexy enough…

The story is a romantic love story set in 989 B.C..  The beautiful young Queen Mawiyah's Kingdom is being invaded by an Army from Germania, led by a incredibly huge woman… a woman so huge that she makes her male soldiers look like weak little boys.  Each muscle on her 6'3" body boils with pure strength and power.  This warrior woman, named Rebekka, is the leader on orders to conquer Queen Mawiyah's peaceful country.  But what happens is that Rebekka falls in love with Queen Mawiyah.  Below is a segment where we first see Rebekka, the warrior…

[color=purple”>~Mimi

[pumpedmuscle2]

yes your FBB character is sexy and very muscular I would like to see more of the story please.

[ScottG]

[SMACK! SMACK!] Rebekka slaps him out of his daydreaming stupor.

I think you have a fantastic story telling ability.  Even though it took me a second to appreciate the method in which you describe your character, I really like the way you bring it all together in the third paragraph.  I wouldn't change a thing.

[Mimi]

Wow… I'm flattered.  Truly humbled.  Thank you so much!

XOXO's

~Mimi

[eccentricman]

DISCLAIMER: I will probably not get much support for what I am going to say next.

In music there is a technique or a practice called light and dark. Sometimes the music is heavy and rich, at others light and ethereal, the changes between the two, the rhythm of these changes and the quality of the music all become very important.

This piece of writing is almost too dark, too rich and full of language. My advice is to distinguish what you find truly important, sensual or arousing and convey that through the rich and layered language you are using. Keep the mundane things simple, sketched in and without importance. An example might be when you describe Rebekka wielding her sword: the sword is simple, elegant and has a gleaming tip (sketch description), but the arm holding it is bronzed and powerful, forearm woven thickly with snakes of raw amazon muscle, sweat and the grime of the battlefield throwing the overlapping forms into sharp glistening contrast from the flickering light of the fire (rich description).

It's not a great example, but I hope i've gotten the point across: make the words you use suit the nature of the things you describe, important or mundane, sensual or factual, beauty or practicality.

My last suggestion concerns the sentence structure: just make sure there is a subject, an object and a verb clearly defined in each sentence… some paragraphs lost definition in the middle when it wasn't immediately obvious what was going on to whom.

Finally, I'm very much looking forwards to seeing the finished article…

EDIT: or just polish it until it reads like 'A love refined…'

[Mimi]

Eccentricman,

I think your words were right to the point, and most helpful.  The wording and structure isn’t finished yet as it’s just the first rough draft…  but “too rich”?  Wow, I’ve never had my work called that.  Thank you, sweetie!  I actually delight in making my stories full of prose and exposition.  I guess I defend (perhaps too strong of a word) this story because of its historic and romantic nature. 

I take it you read ‘A Love Refined’?  Did you enjoy it?  That story is the final draft, and I truly enjoyed writing it.

Thanks for the input, sweetie.  No worries, I asked for feedback and it is appreciated!

Peace and Love,

     

[David]

A lovely start. I agree with eccentric man. Emphasis what you want to focus on. If perchance as the woman turned only the blade was seen describe it but once she is in full view and taken as a woman to their surprise that is where you really get to go to an extreme. But be careful to avoid to much. Save some for later so that you don't repeat yourself.

[Reason]

What Eccentricman said makes sense, but I personally think you put emphasis on all the right areas. Sure the language is sophisticated, but it's not every day you can enjoy a hot muscle fantasy story and improve your vocab at the same time ;D.

Can't wait to see the finished product.

[Mimi]

I agree Reason… one thing I learned back in grad school was that the essence of the English language was dying a slow, painful death.  I’ve seen and heard it ‘dumbed’ down to a point where it isn’t even recognizable anymore.  Slang, pop culture, Hollywood– whatever, it has taken away the true beauty and aristocracy of what was once a noble language. 

When I started out writing my stories, one thing I was determined not to do was use the typical “ass & tits” wording commonly found in erotica… don’t get me wrong, those words have a place, but not in every sentence when describing a woman’s outline.  Not that I am any better, but I feel that what makes a good story a DAMN fine story is loving your characters… you have to feel it, otherwise you’re just typing random words.  Not only does a writer have to convey the scene in a believable manner, but he/she also has to convey the hope to the reader.  If you take the time to explain why a character loves muscle and power, then you set it all up for the reward at the end.  Detail and detachment is essential to any good story, and the English language gives writers infinite ways to describe a muscular goddess.

Peace and Love,

[baditude41]

Alas, someone who knows and uses the king's english  😉  I agree with what Reason said…and I also like what you stated about having some sophistication in FBB/FMG stories.  Not many writers take that route, but I believe it adds to the style of the story (especially if you're talking about hundreds of years ago).  Great job, Mimi!

[Author]

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