[Anonymous]

Here it is,the story at hand.

The detective in the interrogation room looked down upon my face. I knew he was staring at me I could feel his eyes on the back of my neck. So tell us you say you are responsable for the destruction of this town and comunity?  Yes.  How so when it was this colossal  megawoman that was seen destroying everything in her path!!  I created her. You what?! Well i didn't know it would happen! I just wanted my girlfriend to be muscular,I didn't know. I didn't know! I got up out of my chair in fear! They pushed me back down. Why don't you tell us from the beginning.  O.k  Well about a year ago ,my girlfriend and I were already seeing each other for six, no , seven months. She new I had a major fetish for muscular girls. But every time I would ask her to come to the gym to work out, she would give me a look of fear and concern and refuse. I would plead with her and try to convice her to become my dream girl, to work out with weights and get a little buff. My girlfriend "Nevaeh" said to me that she could never do any physical exercise and when i asked her why she just said she would some day explain it to me. O.k so she lays it on me and of course I don't buy it. I always said I wouldn't medal with free will with my profession and all.  The detective looked at me and asked , what profession might that be? I am a hypnotist. Really?! Yes. So how does that all tie in? Well, I eliminated her free will by hypnotizing her. I wanted to see her genetic potential when she worked out so I invited her over one night and with out her knowing, I set the room up  so I could hypnotize her with out her knowing. I had to do it this way cause she knew what I did for a living and she could figure it out. I had different lamps in the room that would suddely dim and get brighter with out her noticing but would slowly but shore  put her in a trance. when she was under , I would aproach her and speak. Nevaeh. YES.  Do you understand Me? Yes.  You will obey the comand of my voice. Yes. Every night when you go to sleep you will awaken one hour later and go to 425 cafe street. I WILL GO TO 425 CAFE STREET! Good. When you arrive there you will enter the gym. I WILL ENTER THE GYM. In the gym you will lift weights for 4 hours. I WII LIFT WEIGHTS FOR 4 HOURS! Your goal is to get as big and as strong as you can get.  I WILL GET AS BIG AND AS STRONG AS I CAN GET. Good. On the table in the gym will be muscle growth suplements and shakes, you will take them every night  before you lift weights.I WILL TAKE THE MUSCLE GROWTH SUPLEMENTS. I WII TAKE THE MUSCLE SHAKES! Good. You will awaken when you here me whistle. I blew a tune from my lips. Mark? yes im here. I must have dosed off or something. Its o.k Im use to it. Ha ha well Mark its getting late I have to go.  Can I interest you In some weight lifting before you go? Mark, you know how I feel about that. Yes i do,(we shall see about that) Good night Nevaeh.NIte Nite Honey. (Nevaeh kissed me with a sweet kiss and went on.) She left for the evening

[gblock01]

Well, you're off to a good start, but it's a little hard to keep track of the dialogue. It all kind of runs together.

[alex]

I have 2 suggestions for you:

1. Try using paragraphs.
2. Use quotes on the dialogs.

cheers

[ScottG]

I agree with both of them, it is very hard to follow.  I had to re-read almost every line to realize where the breaks were supposed to be and to tell who was saying what.  Good start though, and please take the suggestions.

[Anonymous]

excellent I will take the advice. I have a good idea how to solve the problem. Its been a while since I have written and I was anxious to get started. I will continue writing this evening after a few things I must do.

[Prophet Tenebrae]

The importance of paragraph breaks is absolutely impossible to overstate – I see a big mass of text… and I just think "I've got better things to do". Break early, break often.

[Deadly Pixxxie]

Yeah, this was like pulling teeth to read.

A- for effort, though! Everyone starts out a little rough….

[KeithXZ]

Good.  I am looking forward to reading the next chapter.

[fbbfan]

Great idea for a story.

[Author]

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