[Anonymous]

Please let me know if you can understand whats going on a little better. Sorry for the delay, I was building a pond in my yard.

The detective in the interrogation room looked down upon my face. I knew he was staring at me I could feel his eyes on the back of my neck.

Detective: So tell us, you say you are responsable for the destruction of this town and comunity? 

Mark: Yes.

Detective: How so when it was this colossal  megawoman that was seen destroying everything in her path!! ?

Mark: I created her.

Detective: You what?!

Mark: Well i didn't know it would happen! I just wanted my girlfriend to be muscular,I didn't know. I didn't know! I got up out of my chair in fear!

They pushed me back down.

Detective: Why don't you tell us from the beginning. 

Mark: O.k  Well about a year ago ,my girlfriend and I were already seeing each other for six, no , seven months. She new I had a major fetish for muscular girls. But every time I would ask her to come to the gym to work out, she would give me a look of fear and concern and refuse.
  I would plead with her and try to convice her to become my dream girl, to work out with weights and get a little buff. My girlfriend "Nevaeh" said to me that she could never do any physical exercise and when i asked her why she just said she would some day explain it to me.
  O.k so she lays it on me and of course I don't buy it. I always said I wouldn't medal with free will with my profession and all. 

Detective: What profession might that be?

Mark: I am a hypnotist.

Detective: Really?!

Mark: Yes.

Detective: So how does that all tie in?

Mark: Well, I eliminated her free will by hypnotizing her. I wanted to see her genetic potential when she worked out so I invited her over one night and with out her knowing, I set the room up  so I could hypnotize her with out her knowing. I had to do it this way cause she knew what I did for a living and she could figure it out.
I had different lamps in the room that would suddely dim and get brighter with out her noticing but would slowly but shore  put her in a trance. when she was under , I would approach her and speak.

Mark: Nevaeh.

Nevaeh:  YES. 

Mark: Do you understand Me?

Nevaeh: Yes.

Mark: You will obey the comand of my voice.

Nevaeh: Yes.

Mark: Every night when you go to sleep you will awaken one hour later and go to 425 cafe street.

Nevaeh: I WILL GO TO 425 CAFE STREET!

Mark: Good. When you arrive there you will enter the gym.

Nevaeh: I WILL ENTER THE GYM.

Mark: In the gym you will lift weights for 4 hours.

Nevaeh: I WII LIFT WEIGHTS FOR 4 HOURS!

Mark: Your goal is to get as big and as strong as you can get. 

Nevaeh: I WILL GET AS BIG AND AS STRONG AS I CAN GET.

Mark:  Good. On the table in the gym will be muscle growth supplements and shakes, you will take them every night  before you lift weights.

Nevaeh: I WILL TAKE THE MUSCLE GROWTH SUPLEMENTS. I WII TAKE THE MUSCLE SHAKES!

Mark: Good. You will awaken when you here me whistle. (I blew a tune from my lips. )

Nevaeh: Mark?

Mark: yes I'm here.

Nevaeh: I must have dosed off or something.

Mark: Its o.k I'm use to it.

Nevaeh: Ha ha well Mark its getting late I have to go

Mark:  Can I interest you In some weight lifting before you go?

Nevaeh:  Mark, you know how I feel about that.

Mark: Yes i do,(we shall see about that) Good night Nevaeh.

Nevaeh: NIte Nite Honey.

  (Nevaeh kissed me with a sweet kiss and went on.) She left for the evening

[stmercy2020]

As I think I mentioned in your previous thread, I really like the idea of this story.  It seems rife with possibilities for the arrogant hypnotist to receive his just desserts…

The new format is much better.  It isn't perfect, but the quibbles I have mainly come from being an English teacher, so I'm hard to please.  I don't think anyone is likely to have any real difficulties following the plot the way you've laid it out.

My only concern is that when you switch from the present to a flashback, you may want to give some sort of visual or verbal cue.

Looks good- can't wait to see more!

[gblock01]

This format is much better than the original. It's much easier to read and looks cleaner besides.

I'm interested in how the rest of the story is going to turn out. With the new format, it'll be easier to hook your audience once you get to the good stuff, and I'm looking forward to becoming firmly attached to this thread.

[Anonymous]

As we fade back to the present the Detective seemed a bit anxious and wanted to know more

Detective: So what happened that night? Did she respond to your suggestion?

Mark: I will continue,
      When Nevaeh left my place that night, she went straight home and got to bed by eleven.  As i suspected she arose from her bed one hour later (right on schedule}.
  She went across the park over to cafe street and arrived  at 425 (my secret gym}. I followed behind her and snuck in around back
  As I watched Nevaeh she approached the supplement table and with great ambition she began to consume the contents of the table.

Mark: She was like a machine! A machine with pure determination!
She approached the weights as if this was her natural state of being.
I heard her repeating one of the commands that I had given her earlier!

Nevaeh: I WILL GET AS BIG AND AS STRONG AS I COULD GET!!

Mark: After her statement, She prepared the curling bar with light weights and started to do bicep curls. She actually knew not to hurt herself with heavier weights in the beginning (I didn't tell her that, good thing she knew that cause I forgot)
Come to think of it, maybe she should have hurt her self.
Well anyway she did rep after rep with amazing concentration and form! I was amazed at her ability to keep going.

Detective: So she did this for four hours? Just lifting weights with out stopping?

Mark: Oh yes, all kinds of lifts. Bench press, squats, curls, push ups!
I'm telling you a machine she was!

Mark: When four hours were up, she left the gym and headed home and went back to bed. The next day, I met Nevaeh for lunch( I wanted to see where her head was at.)

Mark:  So how is your sandwich that you just inhaled?  Did you get a chance to taste it ?

Nevaeh: I'm starving actually, and I'm kinda sore all over.

Mark: Sounds like you've been work-in out.

Nevaeh: Working out? No Mark you wouldn't wanna be any where around me if I started doing that.

Mark: Really, why is that?

Nevaeh:  Id become something that might scare you. You would be put in harms way.

[KeithXZ]

This is good, I'm looking forward to more.

[riodutchie1]

Wow.

The format's great, and I like the foreshadowing.  Interesting to see what happens to this guy as he completely ignores subtle warnings.

[Author]

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