My Beautiful and Athletic Ex

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  • December 7, 2020 at 12:27 am #148980
    phenoms
    Participant

    I honestly don’t recall ever making a post here or anywhere else that revealed anything about my personal life. I’m a pretty private person, but I just feel the need to share this time.

    To be clear, THIS ISN’T FICTION. It’ll possibly sound like fiction, but all of it happened.

    I’d hired a personal trainer and been working out for around a year. I had to fire the first trainer after 10 months, and had to fire the second trainer after 4 months. I don’t know what I’m doing in the gym without help, but each trainer got caught in manipulative lies and attitude issues that were unacceptable. It was demoralizing to lose the guidance I needed twice in only 4 months. It derailed me from being able to continue working out. I had also apparently begun looking better and feeling better but hadn’t realized either at the time.

    I live alone and get lonely sometimes. Awhile ago, strip clubs became a band-aid. I’ve never really been the typical person in there. I’m there to talk, not to watch the stage or get dances, and I treat the women with the same respect and dignity that I do in everyday life.

    I’ve never sought to date any of them, and have even turned several down. But one night I went and didn’t see anyone I normally talk to so I asked one of the staff that I knew for a suggestion.

    The instant we were introduced I felt a mutual spark and within 30 seconds, I knew where it was going. Despite that, it was clear talking without a dance wasn’t going to happen so I went with it. Almost right away she was asking me all kinds of questions. It was basically her “dating checklist”. Sparks were flying and she liked that I hadn’t hit on her.

    The more we talked, the more we learned that we had many common interests. We exchanged phone numbers and began texting some. I returned and she was eager to see me but I had arrived late again and she asked me to come earlier next time. I returned several more times, and her interest evolved into the most forward seduction I ever could’ve imagined. I’ve seen real flirting, I’ve seen dancers faux-flirting, and had dancers flirt for real, but none held a candle to how aggressively she began trying to seduce me.

    Despite my instincts telling me within the first 30 seconds where it was headed, I couldn’t help but be cynical. I was along for the ride, but I had a wall up. Everything about it was different. She was undeterred and seduced me relentlessly finally getting past my guard.

    Finally she asked me out and for the first time, I said yes to a dancer. She called me to setup the date and had planned everything out. All I had to do was show up. She even paid for everything. It was fascinating to be on the other side where the woman was taking the lead in the courtship. I’ve had other women I’ve dated “Go Dutch”, or pay for dinner, but this was new.

    It was the longest date I’d ever been on and everything about it was amazing. We happened to have a mutual friend and apparently after our date she was absolutely gushing and fawning about me to them.

    I’ve never experienced anything like it.

    Things progressed quickly and I was elated, Then one day we were texting and after a simple miscommunication she blew up, said some really bizarre things, and blocked my number. That was it.

    I had tried to talk it through with her, but it didn’t matter. I was devastated and utterly perplexed. I had no idea what had gone wrong and couldn’t understand how she could go from adoring me one moment to instantly hating me so much that she would ghost me like that.

    .
    ————————————————————————-

    She’s gorgeous, built, athletic, and is one of the best dancers I’ve ever seen. The stage tends to bore me. It’s nearly always the same. Very few stand out, and she stood out more than all but one other, and she was definitely more skilled than the other one.

    Yes, that’s really her. I’ve altered the photos to remove the backgrounds and any identifying information to prevent reverse image searches or photo recognition to protect her identity. I’ve obscured her face and altered the appearance of some clothing, but I’ve not altered her body at all.

    She definitely hurt me and there’s much more to the story. It’s really quite a rabbit’s hole. I’d begun to care for her quite a lot. I’ve been told countless times that I need to move on, but I’m still working through it. I have competing emotions of hurt and anger (she did much more than I’ve gone into here), but I also still yearn for what we had before everything blew up.

    She makes for the 2nd time in my life that I liked someone so much that I lost the ability to even consider a relationship with anyone else.

    I really wish I had a better picture of her abs. This picture just doesn’t do them justice.

    She’s in her 30’s, but puts most 20-somethings to shame. Remarkably, she doesn’t even have “before and after” photos. She’s been into fitness since puberty. She never wore make-up either. She didn’t need it.

    Although there were tell-tale signs, I didn’t realize at the time that she was a full-blown Grandiose Narcissist. I didn’t know enough about it. I’ve studied on a broad range of topics in psychology, but never understood the morbid fascination so many people have with the “dark side”. In hindsight, it’s something that I wish I’d known more about so I’d know who to avoid. The “Dark Triad” is a term that’s been given to the traits of Psychopathy, Narcissism, and Machiavellianism.

    I’ve been attracted to fit, muscular, and athletic women my entire life, but I never made the connection between fitness and Narcissism until I began educating myself about Narcissism after everything with her went to hell in the blink of an eye.

    Basically, Narcissists have extremely fragile egos. Every aspect of their personality and life is designed to protect their ego and build themselves up by tearing down those they feel inferior to. They’re simultaneously attracted to, and have a need to hurt those they view as superior to them. One of their defense mechanisms is called “Splitting”.

    The whiplash I experienced when she went from adoring to hating me in an instant was her splitting. Even though nothing I said should’ve hurt her, it did, and I instantly went from being her ideal love interest to being viewed as a monster.

    Everything that came before, where she aggressively seduced me and had placed me up on a very high pedestal was something called “Love Bombing”.

    Attachments:

    My Deviant Art Page (old stuff):
    phenoms.deviantart.com

    My Booru Gallery (new stuff):
    phenoms.booru.org

    Also
    www.thevalkyrie.com/picthumb/p/phenoms/index00.htm
    www.thevalkyrie.com/picthumb/p/phenom_fett/index00.htm

    December 7, 2020 at 3:08 am #148981
    TC2
    Participant

    Doesn’t seem like it now, but you dodged a bullet. No matter how hot or fit the individual, you definitely do not want to be around a personality like that in the long-term. Be glad that you got an early warning taste of this before the relationship got too deep. Imagine if this had happened after marriage and the kind of hell your life would have been.

    You don’t have to date right away but there’s plenty of women out there that are much more down to earth and grounded in reality. She might not be as fit as this babe but she’ll have other qualities that you will cherish more than her fitness.

    Nice story though, at least you got to experience it for a little while.

    December 7, 2020 at 3:47 am #148982
    Ashlee
    Participant

    yeah you got to watch texting, many atimes things get misunderstood ,oooor you send the text to the wrong person,best to always talk to them. and never have a i phone with text with other relationships on them and NEVER HAVE PHOTOS OF PEOPLE ON YOUR PHONE!she blew up on one misunderstood text.hummmmm
    (don’t take this worng but speaking about my Gender)I think she was looking to end the relationship and wanted to end it on her terms.So let her go don’t even bother with her. and Have a happy life with out her.

    December 7, 2020 at 12:42 pm #148990
    phenoms
    Participant

    Doesn’t seem like it now, but you dodged a bullet. No matter how hot or fit the individual, you definitely do not want to be around a personality like that in the long-term. Be glad that you got an early warning taste of this before the relationship got too deep. Imagine if this had happened after marriage and the kind of hell your life would have been.

    You don’t have to date right away but there’s plenty of women out there that are much more down to earth and grounded in reality. She might not be as fit as this babe but she’ll have other qualities that you will cherish more than her fitness.

    Nice story though, at least you got to experience it for a little while.

    the_collector_2, thank you.

    Yes, I definitely did dodge a bullet. Of that I’m keenly aware. We’d talked about things suggesting a future together. Marriage, children, etc. I want all those things, and I’d wanted them with her. Yes she’s beautiful and athletic, but I’ve passed up other women that were both of those things before. I’m actually extremely careful in who I’ll date. I look for things like a good heart, kindness, affection, lovingness, honesty and authenticity, intelligence, creativity, chemistry, and most importantly, that I know that I could fall in love (unfortunately this one is extremely difficult for me and I always know very quickly).

    She has this outward image that she has perfected to a remarkable degree. She isn’t the only Narcissist I’ve met (hindsight), she isn’t even the first Narcissist to become attracted to me (hindsight), but she’s absolutely the first Narcissist to win me over.

    Narcissists are said to test people’s boundaries and to get away with as much as possible. I’m lax on many things that I know would be petty to get upset over, but where the important things are, I’ve got very firm boundaries. Things ended when she discovered that the hard way. I wasn’t mean to her, but I did firmly call her out.

    I want children, and so does she. But I dread what kind of mother she’d be. If I ever get to have kids, I’d never permit them to be abused.

    The thing that’s torn me up the most has been the way which everything ended and the abruptness of it. There was much left unknown, and while I understand how toxic she is, I still wish I’d have gotten more time with her. I’m not easily affected by people this strongly. I wanted to know her better than I had the chance to (I set that bar extremely high).

    It’s just going to take me time to work through this. I decided to post about it here not only as part of trying to deal with it, but also as a warning to others here because the women we’re attracted to are much more likely to have Pathological levels of Narcissism.

    My Deviant Art Page (old stuff):
    phenoms.deviantart.com

    My Booru Gallery (new stuff):
    phenoms.booru.org

    Also
    www.thevalkyrie.com/picthumb/p/phenoms/index00.htm
    www.thevalkyrie.com/picthumb/p/phenom_fett/index00.htm

    December 7, 2020 at 1:12 pm #148991
    phenoms
    Participant

    yeah you got to watch texting, many atimes things get misunderstood ,oooor you send the text to the wrong person,best to always talk to them. and never have a i phone with text with other relationships on them and NEVER HAVE PHOTOS OF PEOPLE ON YOUR PHONE!she blew up on one misunderstood text.hummmmm
    (don’t take this worng but speaking about my Gender)I think she was looking to end the relationship and wanted to end it on her terms.So let her go don’t even bother with her. and Have a happy life with out her.

    Ashlee, thank you. I’ve never tolerated jealous/controlling behavior. They can either trust me or find another man to play their games with. I’m not the cheating type, and the BS perpetrated by jealous types isn’t grounds for any kind of healthy relationship.

    To you and I, “one misunderstood text” hardly seems grounds for completely blowing up, but Narcissists at their core are extremely fragile and oversensitive. They are prone to fits of “Narcissistic Rage”, and to “Splitting”. They don’t even need an actual prompt, they live in a fantasy world and all it takes is not reading their mind to fulfill their fantasy of you. It’s an impossible standard that nobody could ever live up to.

    While I can certainly understand how you could reasonably suspect that she was looking for an excuse to end the relationship, I know for certain that wasn’t the case. Quite the opposite. I was still very much adored by her and on a very tall pedestal. She’d actually put off a very lucrative gig in another state to keep spending time with me. Considering how much Narcissists prioritize wealth, that’s a huge deal. Additionally, I know that after she ghosted me, she hid away in her apartment depressed for a full month. She missed an entire month of work grieving, and that includes missing out on that lucrative out-of-state gig. She never returned to the club where we met. I wasn’t the first breakup she’d had while working there, but I’m the first person that she liked enough to be completely devastated afterwards.

    It’s gratifying to know that it was as real for her as it was for me. It’s particularly noteworthy in that Grandiose Narcissists score very low on the Neuroticism scale of the Five Factor Model of Personality. People with very low Neuroticism scores have something called “Stress Immunity”. It basically means almost nothing bothers or stresses them out. They don’t get stressed, they don’t get anxious or fearful, and they don’t get depressed.

    She definitely has very low Neuroticism, yet I meant enough to her that she was too depressed to work for an entire month and completely quit working at the club where she met me.

    As toxic as Narcissism can be, they still have vulnerabilities, hopes, wants, and desires. I know the truths that matter, and the truth is, she liked me every bit as much as I liked her. But her Narcissism stems from extreme insecurities, and maladaptive coping mechanisms. I never meant to hurt her but it couldn’t’ve been avoided. She dealt with it the only way she knows how. Unfortunately, she’s just not able to deal with getting hurt in a healthy or constructive manner.

    My Deviant Art Page (old stuff):
    phenoms.deviantart.com

    My Booru Gallery (new stuff):
    phenoms.booru.org

    Also
    www.thevalkyrie.com/picthumb/p/phenoms/index00.htm
    www.thevalkyrie.com/picthumb/p/phenom_fett/index00.htm

    December 7, 2020 at 6:32 pm #148992
    AlexG
    Keymaster

    A cautionary tale, indeed.

    Rest assured, you’re certainly not the first that she’s done this to, or will be the last.

    Succubi like her get off on that sort of thing.

    She might look attractive now, but such a toxic spirit invariably warps the vessel.

    Many yrs from now, you’ll be happily married with children. She’ll still be alone, old and ugly.

    “I like a good story well told. That is the reason I am sometimes forced to tell them myself.”
    ~ Mark Twain / Samuel Clemens (1907)

    December 7, 2020 at 9:20 pm #148994
    phenoms
    Participant

    A cautionary tale, indeed.

    Rest assured, you’re certainly not the first that she’s done this to, or be the last.

    Succubi like her get off on that sort of thing.

    She might look attractive now, but such a toxic spirit invariably warps the vessel.

    Many yrs from now, you’ll be happily marred with children – she’ll still be alone, old and ugly.

    Narcissism exists on a spectrum of many varied degrees of severity, and has multiple variants as well as comorbidity of multiple variants of Narcissism within the same person and comorbidity with other psychological conditions.

    In medicine, comorbidity is the presence of one or more additional conditions often co-occurring with a primary condition.

    The most common comorbid conditions to occur with Grandiose Narcissism are Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Vulnerable Narcissism (aka Covert Narcissism), Malignant Narcissism, High-Functioning (Exhibitionist) Narcissism, Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD), Psychopathy (I can’t recall if it coincides with Type I or II), and Sadism, among others, but that’s still currently beyond my level of understanding.

    She certainly appears to have demonstrated Sadism when in a conversation I had with her months after things went to hell she subversively dropped the word schadenfreude (pleasure derived by someone from another person’s misfortune). It didn’t filter through for me until later, but I suspect that she was hinting to me that she was taking sadistic pleasure in having hurt me and was wanting to milk it. (That didn’t work for her either.)

    Not all Narcissists are sadistic, but yes, in her case, I believe sadism applies.

    As for your suggestion that Karma will catch up to her or that her “toxic spirit” will warp her, I doubt it. Karma is a nice idea, but isn’t a thing. Narcissists in general rarely suffer any ramifications for their bad deeds, and more often tend to resemble Teflon… nothing ever sticks. For her toxicity to negatively affect her, she would need to internalize it. That’s the opposite of what Grandiose Narcissists do. Their entire existence centers around maintaining a positive self-image. Everything is always somebody else’s fault.

    Add to that her healthy lifestyle, wealth, and ability to simply relocate anytime she’s burned too many bridges, she’s likely to remain outwardly attractive well into old age.

    Her greatest vulnerability is that she burns so many bridges. But she also has many people that still associate with her (I’m unsure if they know she’s a Narcissist or understand what it is), and she also has a very large family.

    I’m not a sadistic person and I don’t derive any pleasure from the pain or misfortunes of others. While a key feature of Narcissism is a lack of empathy, they are often drawn to empathetic people. I tend to be rather empathetic. I recognize that her Narcissism is a disorder, and prior to everything going to hell I was unaware of her Narcissism and began developing feelings for her. Although she hurt me, those feelings persist. I don’t wish harm upon her, I just cannot have her in my life.

    You’re absolutely correct in that I’m hardly the first person she’s hurt, nor shall I be the last. She’s most certainly left a trail of people hurt in her wake, and I know of at least two to four of them. I only wish there was a way to prevent her from hurting others, but that’s just not feasible.

    As Rudyard Kipling so aptly opined, “the female of the species is more deadly than the male”.

    https://youtu.be/F1NBpVKWh_c

    My Deviant Art Page (old stuff):
    phenoms.deviantart.com

    My Booru Gallery (new stuff):
    phenoms.booru.org

    Also
    www.thevalkyrie.com/picthumb/p/phenoms/index00.htm
    www.thevalkyrie.com/picthumb/p/phenom_fett/index00.htm

    December 8, 2020 at 1:21 am #148998
    Lingster
    Keymaster

    I worked with a grandiose narcissist in a job, a number of years ago. She began to form a clique around herself and made decisions about who in the office was “good”, and who was “bad”. She had this idea she was going to take over the company, somehow. Of course I was “bad”, along with some other people who, like me, were older and established and had been there for awhile. Having realized she was agitating to have us removed from our jobs, we engineered a trap that would cause her to erupt in way the owner couldn’t miss. She had a complete meltdown in the middle of the office one afternoon, and she was fired shortly thereafter. Most of the clique she had formed were let go the same day. I felt kind of bad about it, because I laid most of the trap, but it was a kill-or-be-killed situation.

    FMG OG | Growth Comics | Amaz0ns founder

    December 10, 2020 at 10:16 pm #149024
    Ashlee
    Participant

    TO ALL WHO BEEN HURT
    https://thepassiveaggressivenarcissist.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/9j8po.gif?w=529

    December 11, 2020 at 5:41 am #149032
    phenoms
    Participant

    TO ALL WHO BEEN HURT
    https://thepassiveaggressivenarcissist.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/9j8po.gif?w=529

    The subdomain of that website initially made me think that it was another “Narcissist Survivor’s” type advice website of which there are many… yet few with good information. Most such sites just regurgitate the same psychobabble and drivel. After having viewed the site for several minutes, it instead appears to casually identify as being the passive aggressive narcissist but I don’t think it means so in the clinical sense. Nevertheless, interesting choice.

    I’m not entirely sure why I decided to share what happened to me here. I’m known here to those that still remember me, and those that I still remember myself. It’s a place I once discussed topics, but never about my personal life, only our shared interest. And on the basis of that shared interest, a cautionary tale from a correlation I’d never before made despite how glaringly obvious it is: people that place a strong emphasis on their own aesthetics, including building up their physiques are more likely to score higher on the Narcissistic spectrum.

    It’s just not something that ever made it onto my radar because I tend to prefer focusing on the positive aspects of humanity. But therein was part of the lesson for me, and possibly for others. If for no other reason that to avoid the people that represent the darker aspects of humanity, it’s prudent to educate one’s self about those people, how to spot them, and how to avoid, repel, and/or deal with them when forced to. Or if necessary, how to deal with the aftermath of the havoc they’ve wrought in as healthy a fashion as possible.

    Sharing what happened to me has also allowed me to try to provide some basic information on the topic. While I only began studying the subject in earnest after things went to hell, I’ve had months to educate myself and I’ve had enough time to learn to differentiate between the good information and the bad. For me in this case, that’s meant that my primary resource has become Dr. Todd Grande’s Youtube channel. I chose him not only because he does a great job educating and explaining things in a way that helps me understand, but because he does so with minimal negative bias and with a strong emphasis on citing his sources and sticking to published empirical research. Using Dr. Grande as my base then helps me filter information from other sources. So for example, Dr. Ramani Durvasula is featured as an expert all over Youtube, yet she exhibits a clear negative bias against Narcissism, she doesn’t cite sources, and some terminology and concepts she uses appear to be unique to her (eg. “Truth Tellers”). She’s also echoed the term “Cerebral Narcissism” which appears to originate with quack and self-proclaimed Narcissist/Psychopath Dr. Sam Vaknin whose credentials in psychology are of the tissue-paper internet certificate variety. Vaknin postulates that there are Cerebral and Somatic (physical) Narcissists. While his description of so-called Somatic Narcissists anecdotally fits the woman I dated, anecdotes don’t meet scientific rigor, and should be viewed critically and tentatively at best.

    https://youtu.be/AtxX6qz0IcI

    My Deviant Art Page (old stuff):
    phenoms.deviantart.com

    My Booru Gallery (new stuff):
    phenoms.booru.org

    Also
    www.thevalkyrie.com/picthumb/p/phenoms/index00.htm
    www.thevalkyrie.com/picthumb/p/phenom_fett/index00.htm

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