The Noctivigant Nurse

Chad glanced upward at the clock, and rushed to log out of the personnel computer system. He dashed to his car, almost falling while attempting to enter. He travelled to his destination with maximal velocity, but was deterred by a couple of road hazards.

Outside the park, the man winced as he heard the clarion shout.

"Play Ball!"

Chad expeditiously found a seat as a homerun was just completed. Seeing the achiever of this feat made him sigh. Nine innings later, the nurse stepped onto the field.

"Dad!" a smallish sandy-haired boy with a scraped and smudged face shouted as he pounced on the white coated man. With a sullen smile, Chad hugged his son.

"Hi, Teddy." He reached down and rustled his hair. "Where’s your sister?"

"In the bathroom." Teddy pointed.

A deeply tanned girl with green eyes and chestnut hair emerged from the bathroom door. She looked a couple years older than Teddy.

"Hello Meredith." Chad embraced his daughter too, but he only felt her bristle in his arms.

"Father…" She mumbled.

Teddy interjected. "Dad! Did you see me hit that homerun?"

"Umm… yeah, I did." Chad exaggerated.

Meredith’s eyes flashed. "You didn’t hear me sing! Just once I’d like you to hear an entire song."

Chad was undaunted. "I’m sorry, but I was delayed. You can sing it for me this evening"

Meredith looked apoplectic. "You are always delayed. It’s always car trouble this or overtime that! Don’t you care about us?" She scowled daggers at her father.

Chad’s gaze grew leaden. He whispered, "Next time you question my paternal devotion, remember my job, which I perform so that you and your brother have access to amenities like baseball games. Although you might think it is the most important thing in the world that I come to these things, my most recent client, a mother of three, whose children were mutilated by a drunk driver and required five consecutive hours of surgery would have a slightly different set of priorities!

The little girl stepped back, attempting to stifle a quiver. The nurse realized he was barking and softened his countenance. "I didn’t mean to shout. I’m sorry."

Chad turned to both his children, "In two weeks, I have a vacation. During that day, we can do anything you want."

Teddy’s response was immediate. "I wanna go to sports!"

Meredith’s nostrils flared. "We always go to sporting events, you little Philistine! We should pay more attention to the rich metropolitan zeitgeist of the arts. Besides, he still owes me for that feminist rally he missed."

Teddy interjected. "Bor-ring!"

Chad realized that this would a precursor to a physical skirmish if he didn’t intervene rapidly. He grabbed both children by the trapezius and separated them. "Arts… sports.. feminism, What if we did them all at once?"

Both children froze and looked in anticipation.

Chad’s mind canvassed itself for an idea.

"Female bodybuilding… There’s an international contest on that day!" He muttered, taken aback by his own epiphany.

"Huh?" Teddy scratched his head

Chad crouched down to be on eye level with his son. "Bodybuilding is great. It’s a type of competitive sport in which the athletes hypertrophy their musculature and see who has the best physique."

"Cool!" Teddy’s eyes glazed with enthusiasm.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "How resplendent, another muscle fest!"

Chad stood and responded. "But it’s also an art! Competitors are judged on their posture, their symmetry, their training. Furthermore, bodybuilding is a salient plateau of feminism…" Chad digressed. He could tell that the deal was nearly consummate.

"Excuse me?"

"Of course female bodybuilding is a manifestation of feminism!" It… features women who continuously strive to hone their personal standards of excellence. Their bodies attest to the realities of a pluralistic standard of beauty."

Meredith smiled. Placation was complete.

"Now get in the car, both of you. It’s time for dinner."

As his offspring climbed into the car and began to disagree about what the family should have for dinner, Chad grinned at himself in his rear view mirror before entering.

King Solomon, eat your heart out.

The next day, Tia had barely exited the locker room when a doctor hastened to her side. She looked down at him with concern. "Is something wrong, Doctor Kaldwell?"

He nodded and inhaled sedulously. "There’s a teenage girl in room 121 who’s causing quite a stir. I think you might be able to calm her."

Tia sighed. "I’ll do what I can, what’s wrong with her?"

The doctor looked perplexed. "She was fine, until I began her physical, whereupon she became agitated and knocked over the scale. I think she’s sensitive about her height."

Tia gave her colleague a dubious look, but nodded. "And you need my help because I’m a tall woman myself?"

The doctor readjusted his glasses. "Well- that, and the fact that patients seem calmer around you."

The nurse ran a hand through her brilliant hair with an extensive sweeping gesture. "Come on, I’ll conduct the physical."

In room 121 sat a young female. As described beforehand, she stood about six foot seven in a corner, an overturned scale at her feet. The nurse slipped into the room.

"Hi there."

The addressee raised her ponderous head, revealing a visage predominated by puffy, vascular eyes.

Tia skimmed the file. "So, Alison, you seem to be upset by something."

The girl nodded her head slowly.

This prompted the nurse to step closer to her and place a cautious hand on her shoulder. "Would you care to expand on that?"

A frown from the patient led Tia to believe that she had made a very poor choice of wording, but the adolescent spoke anyway.

"That skinny little man… looking at me like that."

"Dr. Kaldwell? Did he do or say something that conveyed contempt?"

"Umm… I don’t like him at all," she grumbled

"He won’t be doing your physical today. I will. Now, hon, it is imperative that you remove your shirt for this, when you’re ready." Tia smiled as Allison’s muscles eventually slackened.

Allison reluctantly stripped off her thick woolen sweater, revealing a consitution with prolific curves.

"Alright.. Stand against that wall, and I’ll check your spine for scoliosis." Tia instructed.

The physical went uneventfully afterwards until the last test. "Now, please lie on your back."

After the patient obediently supinated herself, Tia reached over to prod her abdomen, but Allison bristled and retreated.

A flash of insight crossed Tia’s face. "You’re very senistive about your abdomen, aren’t you?"

Allison did not vocalize, but Tia knew the answer was affirmative. She continued. "You gained a large amount of weight quickly, didn’t you?"

This caused Allison to blink. "How did you know?"

"Plenty of girls gain a substantial amount of fat in their adolescent years. Sometimes men forget that. I assure you, that all the results of this test attest that your are healthy."

Allison raised her eyebrow. "What about the spare tire test!" She snapped.

Tia looked on, undaunted. "Your BMI is about 25, that’s a tad large, but you are only thirteen, so your body is still in flux. Continue excercising and eating properly, and you will probably be fine. Now, I’m going to have to check your organs."

Allison complacently flopped over. Tia methodically ran her fingers around her appendix before digressing to the mainstays of the digestive system. Noticing the patient still looked uncomfortable Tia began to speak. "You know, many cultures regard a larger woman as a beau ideal."

"No way."

"I am not kidding. My mother was Mexican, and when I went to visit her, guys shouted at me everywhere."

"Because you’re buff and stacked."

"Trust me, many men appreciate pears as well as apples, although they may not say it."

Tia patted the suface of Allison’s belly one more time, ensuring the organs were in their proper order. "You’re in excellent condition, and I doubt you’re as fat as you think you are." She smiled. The nurse bent down to pick up the file, but she was interrupted by a loud snap and an excruciating pain from beneath her uniform.

"Owww…"

"Are you okay?"

Tia laughed, "Yeah."

Alison stood and smiled solemly. "Thank you, Ms. Juno"

Tia beamed. "This is my job."

The teenager slid into her sweater, and fiddled with it curiously. Eventually, she departed with a smile.

After verifying that she was the room’s only occupant, Tia produced a bottle of white-out from her pocket and edited the numbers. "Subtract fifteen Kilograms here. Add a centimeter here. Body fat percentage down by two.. and… perfect." She mumbled.

Once the ordeal with the insecure teenager was resolved, Tia met Dr. Kaldwell in the hall. He looked up from a stack of papers. "Did you square away that girl?"

"Yes I did." Tia suddenly feigned irritation. "And you had better measure your patients more carefully in the future. That girl was upset because she thought she was enormous!"

"Ahem… Her adiposity was quite disturbing." The doctor responded rapidly.

"Much of that was muscle…" Tia rolled her eyes and gave him the file.

With a furtive grin the nurse continued her routine duties. She picked up a memo from the fax machine and brought it to the desk of its proper recipient. Turning from that desk, she happened to see Chad’s disorganized station. On the desktop, Tia noted three colorful tickets and an abandoned PC amidst the morass of strewn documents and lab reports.

"Interesting…" She grinned.

A few minutes Later, Chad was examining the contents of a safety hood when a pythonian grip from behind startled him.

"Hey You! How’s research."

"Good morning Miss Juno." Chad reached over to pat Tia on the head. "The dietetics division has been awarded a grant."

"Why dietetics?"

"Well, this hospital has a ninety eight percent success rate with oncology, diabetology, and bariatrics, and the developers of the Theta nine macrobiotic regimen are taking credit for it, but I’ve yet to isolate any nutrient interaction that would account for this success rate."

"That’s interesting, but I discovered something much more noteworthy today."

"What are you talking about?"

"How long have we been friends, Chad?"

Chad paused to recall. "Two years and three days, I believe."

Tia frowned. "I saved you from that car two years and a month ago, remember?"

"Far be it from me to rebuke a woman who can lift a car over her head… What of it?"

Tia continued slyly. "You know you can tell me anything, don’t you?"

"I trust you." Chad said.

Tia dropped him, and revealed the tickets to the bodybuilding competition. "Why didn’t you tell me about your love of muscle babes?" Tia yelled, in mock-fury.

"You never asked…" Chad replied cooly.

"You’ve been storing hotties on your screensaver, while I’ve been looking all over the place for a cute man who isn’t frightened of them. Meanwhile you talk of being lonlely for someone and you didn’t even consider me You owe me at least one dinner!"

Chad stroked Tia’s cheek and sighed futilely. "You know we shouldn’t date our co-workers…"

Tia grinned devilishly and lifted Chad again. "Then I’ll have to coerce you… Have dinner with me or— I’lll— Carry you to a location ten miles from here and put you down and make you walk back to work.

Chad shrugged. "Your cogency is impermeable."

With a giggle, Tia placed Chad on his feet and left. "I knew you were smart enough to choose right." Then she was gone.

Tearing slightly, the manhandled man mused wistfully. "So beautiful… so flamboyant… Teddy would certainly like her.

Teddy watched his father from the balcony that was Tia's lap.  "What's daddy doing?"

    "He's assisting the doctors with a coronary bypass."

   "What's that?"

    "This patient suffered a myocardial infarction, so they're rearranging his vessels so his heart can work properly."

    "Tia?"

    "What is it?"

   "You are real smart, aren't you?"

   Tia laughed.  "I graduated summa cum laude from my college.  How's that?"

   "If you are so smart, why aren't you a doctor?"

   Tia inhaled.  "Professions aren't distributed solely on ability.  I would like to be a doctor, but I don't have the money for a Phd."

   Teddy shrugged.  "How much does a Pee Atch Dee cost?"

    Tia sighed.  "Millions!"  She threw up her arms in despair, causing Teddy to emit a peal of laughter.

   "Tia?"    

   "What?"  

   "What's that snake thing on your chest?"  He poked at her brooch.

    "That's a cadeuceus.  The snake is a symbol from ancient Greece, and it is worn by those in the medical profession."  

   "Who were the Geeks?"  Teddy bounced up and down on Tia's sinewy thigh.  

    "That's Greeks.  My father came from Greece.  That's a country next to the Mediterranean Ocean.

    Teddy's mouth seemed to suddenly stretch beyond his face as he grinned.

    "What are you so happy about?"  

    "Do you like me?"

     Tia playfully squeezed Teddy and tickled him.  "Of course I do.  We're buddies."

     Between the howls of laughter Teddy uttered.  "No,  Do you like my daddy?"  The boy's face assumed a sobreity behind its youth .

   "I care for him very much."

    Teddy shook his head furiously. "Dad's been depressed lately.  You'll take care of him, won't you?"

    "I'll do my best."

     His face relighted.  "Yay!"  Teddy began to run around the row of seats, but Tia scooped him up in a single tall arc of her arm.

    "You can't do that!  You promised your father that you'd be good.  

    "I'm bored!  Bored Bored Bored Bored bored!"  Teddy began bouncing to punctuate the tedium.

    "Stop that, now!"  Tia's lip twitched in displeasure.  Teddy was immediately obedient.  

   A while later, Chad approached the two figures in the theater seat.  

    "Hi, Chad."  Tia said, not turning around.  

    "Hey…"  He responded, noting his somnulent son.  "How did you pacify him?"

   Tia shrugged.  "The boy became so restive that he must have burned himself out."

  Chad furrowed his brow.  "That sounds unusual!"  His visage broke out into a smile reminiscent of Teddy's  "Thank you so much."

    At that moment, Tia gingerly moved Teddy to the chair and took her friend's hand.  "I've heard that you are unhappy."

   Chad's features twisted themselves into a knot as he grumbled.  "He's lying.."

   Tia spoke matter of factly.  "No, you are.  And I have a feeling it's not just about your dead wife either.  Disclose."  Commanded Tia, rubbing Chad's hand.          

   The man began to stammer wildly.  "Nothing at all!  positively I only—   love you and want to spend our lives together!"  Their eyes locked.

   Chad broke the gaze, blanched, and covered his mouth.  Tia smiled enigmatically.  "Don't be afraid.  Emotions are extremely powerful forces.  And as far as I know, you are a loving, generous man whom any sane woman should find worthwhile."
 
    A few welling tears betrayed the male nurse's emotions.  Tia continued, ppressing herself up to his ear.  "But it wouldn't be fair to begin a relationship with you without demonstrating something.  

   Chad's face braced against Tia's "What?"

   "I will not be with a man unless he accepts my totality, including my power."

   Chad chuckled.  "I realize that you can bench press over 500 pounds!"

   A long tan finger carressed his neck.  "No, my other power."

    "Hmmm?"  

    "Sarcophrenia!"  She whispered emphatically.

    "Is that a disease?  I've never heard of it."

    Tia released a laugh from the depths of her abdomen that reverberated across the room.  Still, it did not rouse Teddy.  "It's nothing that you will find in a nosology text.  Do you still want to know?"  Tia asked rhetorically as she read her friend's face..

"Alright.  I can show you better than telling you."  Tia carried Chad by two fingers, supporting his son in her other hand.  

She took them to the lounge, where she lay Teddy on a recliner, locked the door, and began to take her clothes off.

"What are you doing!"  Chad cried in fear.

  Tia stripped him in a matter of seconds and placed the clothing by the sofa.

   Chad reached down to retireve his sartorial possessions, but Tia grabbed him by the throat.  He tried to scream, but he felt his scream leached away by a mysterious force.

    When his cognizance returned, he realized his body had been likewise tampered with.  Chad, now the size of a G I Joe figurine, sat in a sea of chest.  Even Tia seemed fazed by her own poitrene, which had preternaturally gained two hundred kilograms.  At that point, Chad realized that all the organic material had been extricated from the couch as well, leaving a pile of foam and springs in the corner.

   "Now that you are comfortable,"  whispered the mountainous face of Tia, "Allow me to explain my ability."