The Noctivigant Nurse


Chad glanced upward at the clock, and rushed to log out of the personnel computer system. He dashed to his car, almost falling while attempting to enter. He travelled to his destination with maximal velocity, but was deterred by a couple of road hazards.

Outside the park, the man winced as he heard the clarion shout.

"Play Ball!"

Chad expeditiously found a seat as a homerun was just completed. Seeing the achiever of this feat made him sigh. Nine innings later, the nurse stepped onto the field.

"Dad!" a smallish sandy-haired boy with a scraped and smudged face shouted as he pounced on the white coated man. With a sullen smile, Chad hugged his son.

"Hi, Teddy." He reached down and rustled his hair. "Where’s your sister?"

"In the bathroom." Teddy pointed.

A deeply tanned girl with green eyes and chestnut hair emerged from the bathroom door. She looked a couple years older than Teddy.

"Hello Meredith." Chad embraced his daughter too, but he only felt her bristle in his arms.

"Father…" She mumbled.

Teddy interjected. "Dad! Did you see me hit that homerun?"

"Umm… yeah, I did." Chad exaggerated.

Meredith’s eyes flashed. "You didn’t hear me sing! Just once I’d like you to hear an entire song."

Chad was undaunted. "I’m sorry, but I was delayed. You can sing it for me this evening"

Meredith looked apoplectic. "You are always delayed. It’s always car trouble this or overtime that! Don’t you care about us?" She scowled daggers at her father.

Chad’s gaze grew leaden. He whispered, "Next time you question my paternal devotion, remember my job, which I perform so that you and your brother have access to amenities like baseball games. Although you might think it is the most important thing in the world that I come to these things, my most recent client, a mother of three, whose children were mutilated by a drunk driver and required five consecutive hours of surgery would have a slightly different set of priorities!

The little girl stepped back, attempting to stifle a quiver. The nurse realized he was barking and softened his countenance. "I didn’t mean to shout. I’m sorry."

Chad turned to both his children, "In two weeks, I have a vacation. During that day, we can do anything you want."

Teddy’s response was immediate. "I wanna go to sports!"

Meredith’s nostrils flared. "We always go to sporting events, you little Philistine! We should pay more attention to the rich metropolitan zeitgeist of the arts. Besides, he still owes me for that feminist rally he missed."

Teddy interjected. "Bor-ring!"

Chad realized that this would a precursor to a physical skirmish if he didn’t intervene rapidly. He grabbed both children by the trapezius and separated them. "Arts… sports.. feminism, What if we did them all at once?"

Both children froze and looked in anticipation.

Chad’s mind canvassed itself for an idea.

"Female bodybuilding… There’s an international contest on that day!" He muttered, taken aback by his own epiphany.

"Huh?" Teddy scratched his head

Chad crouched down to be on eye level with his son. "Bodybuilding is great. It’s a type of competitive sport in which the athletes hypertrophy their musculature and see who has the best physique."

"Cool!" Teddy’s eyes glazed with enthusiasm.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "How resplendent, another muscle fest!"

Chad stood and responded. "But it’s also an art! Competitors are judged on their posture, their symmetry, their training. Furthermore, bodybuilding is a salient plateau of feminism…" Chad digressed. He could tell that the deal was nearly consummate.

"Excuse me?"

"Of course female bodybuilding is a manifestation of feminism!" It… features women who continuously strive to hone their personal standards of excellence. Their bodies attest to the realities of a pluralistic standard of beauty."

Meredith smiled. Placation was complete.

"Now get in the car, both of you. It’s time for dinner."

As his offspring climbed into the car and began to disagree about what the family should have for dinner, Chad grinned at himself in his rear view mirror before entering.

King Solomon, eat your heart out.