Viewing 1 post (of 1 total)
  • Author
  • #1859
    Mark Newman

    Another good story from a new writer.

    What I liked:

    This one hit just about every button in the turnabout, little sister/big brother, and exercise growth categories and had most of my favorite lines too. Also, it was well written, with good dialogue and good combination of physical descriptions and interior monologue so that we could see inside the brother’s and sister’s minds.

    What I wanted:

    For a "realistic" FMG story, I thought the four week growth scenario was a bit overdone.

    Also, I thought the scene when Danny confronts Jenny hit some wrong notes in terms of her "fear" of her brother, his anger at her, and her initial victory over him. You can see below how I would have written it instead.

    Finally, having taken the growth as far as the author did, it’s not clear where he will go next.

    Overall evaluation:

    That said, this was a very enjoyable story. Whatever the reason for Jenny’s ability to become the most muscular female on earth in just four weeks, I have no regrets at all that she has or that TBD has introduced us to her. Perhaps she has a secret training technique. Perhaps she has some friends she can teach it to. Perhaps she has some plans for world domination. Or perhaps she has an interest in further revenge on her brother. Whichever is the case, I’ll be happy to read about it.


    Another version of paragraphs 5 and 6 of the story.

    "I’m sorry, Danny," a worried-looking Jenny said, "I didn’t think you wanted them anymore. You haven’t used them in weeks, and it’s been so long since you’ve even been down here." Danny glared at her, raising his finger to point at the dumbbell, still mouthing wordlessly. Jenny stood there, wringing her hands, looking rather like a rabbit caught in the headlights. Danny looked from Jenny to the dumbbell and then back at his sister, gaining in self-righteous anger as he saw how scared she looked. So, she was playing tricks on him. With his own stuff, no less! How dare she!! "You KNOW you’re not allowed to use my things without permission, you skinny little twerp!" Danny roared, "I’ve caught you now! And I’m gonna make you pay for every last one! AFTER I give you a good pounding!" He lunged for his sister, who stepped backwards and tripped over the other dumbbell, falling to the floor. Danny leapt on top of Jenny and grabbed her wrists, as she squealed and looked terrified. "You’re not laughing now, are you?" Danny said triumphantly, letting go of one of Jenny’s wrists to slap her face. This would be fun. He raised his hand and brought it down to hit her, only to find it stopped abruptly mere millimetres from Jenny’s face. Amazed, he glanced up to see what had halted his arm and found that with her free hand, his little sister had seized him by the wrist! Danny tried to pull free but to his shock found that he could not budge it, not even an inch. Alarmed, he darted a glance at Jenny’s face and saw another emotion in her eyes, something very different from fear. Before he knew what was happening, his younger sister had somehow rolled him over and now held him pinned to the floor. Again he struggled, and again he found that he may as well have been clamped in a vise, so strong was Jenny’s grip. The look of fear on her face was now completely gone. Instead, a hint of a smile played on her lips. "So, you’d hit your little baby sister, would you?" Her lips twitched again. "You’d actually go and hit a weak little girl?" Danny squirmed, unable to break her hold. "Well it looks like THIS weak little girl is going to have to teach you a lesson!"

    Jenny stood up, as she did so hauling Danny to his feet as easy as if he were one of her dolls. Try as he might, Danny could not work free – in fact, Jenny’s grip seemed to have gotten even tighter. The young girl climbed onto an exercise step and lifted her elder brother’s hands above his head. To Danny’s amazement she didn’t stop there. Within seconds he found his legs dangling as he tried and failed to get any purchase on the floor. Jenny rose onto her toes until she could stretch no more and gave a little girlish giggle as Danny’s attempts to find the floor with his feet left him helplessly swinging to and fro. "There you go, just hanging around again, big brother, like you always do, instead of working out like you promised Mom and Dad!" laughed Jenny. "I should really do something about that, don’t you think so?" and with that she flung Danny aside. He cartwheeled through the air before connecting with the wall with a crunch. He slid down to a dazed heap to the floor, but before he had time to gather his senses, Jenny was on top of him and had hoisted him over her shoulder and was carrying him towards the bench. "In fact, big brother, you’re just in time to help me finish my warm-up!" Danny recalled the 40 lb dumbbells What did she mean, warm-up?!" Next thing he knew, he was being held aloft, parallel with the ground, and was being bench-pressed with obvious ease by his baby sister – once … twice … three times … until he had lost count. All the while Jenny wore a look of determination on her face and her breathing remained shallow – this was THAT easy for her. Danny was terrified at the thought of how much she could lift when she really put her back into it. After what seemed an age Jenny lowered Danny gently to the floor, and left him propped up with his back against the bench and his head collapsed into his chest. He groggily looked up and saw that his younger sister had cleared a large space a few feet in front of him, into which she now strutted. She smiled … "Get ready for a surprise, big brother!"

Viewing 1 post (of 1 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.